Doin it on the cheapBeing a loyal employee of a rather large supermarket chain for about 8 years now, and (not surprisingly) becoming more and more jaded, I have decided it is time to let out some little tips on how to get free and cheap shit from your local supermarket!!!!!1
1. Go shopping late. By 7 or 8pm, most supermarkets will have marked down their bread, rolls, donuts and other shit they bake instore. We only keep instore bakery goodies for 24 hours then they get turfed, so we halve the price in the evening to clear it out cheep instead of throwing it out l8er.
Once you've hit teh bakery, make your way up to the butcheryz. Mince meat has a 20 hour shelf life, so the stuff they batch in the morning will be thrown out as soon as the shop opens the next day. So we mark down all varieties of mince meat at around 6pm, as long as it was made before 1pm. Here is a handy widdle drawing of how to tell what time the meat was packed, so you can scam yourself a markdown if it hasn't been done yet -
See that little number 9 i highlighted? that is the time the mince was packed. If your meat was packed before 13, you SHOULD be getting it on the cheep.
Then, have a look at the deli department. Not only can you get some cheap stuffs, i find that evenings in the deli department usually have the bangingest bitches in the store. And the fact you know they can handle meat makes them all the sexier.
The real winner here though are hot roast chickenz!!!1 They can only really be in the warmer for 4 hours, then they should get turfed. Instead we mark them down and piss them off.
If you want them for less then a few dollars off, come in 30min or so before closing time. We often sell em for around $3, instead of their usual $10-11 asking price. FUCK YEAH.
If it aint marked down, ask them to do it. They will baby.
2. Here is the real money maker/saver/whatthefuckever. FREEBIES.
Walk around the store. See those little 'special' tickets hanging around the place? Right now we're going to abuse the 'Scanning Policy code of conduct'.
Yesiree, if something you take to the register scans at a higher price than advertised on the shelf or catalogue, you get it FOR FUCKEN FREE MAN.
Please to be reviewing a special ticket mock-up.
See that 11/07 on the bottom line? This is when the special finishes. Ignore all the other shit. Find something that you want for free. Make it worth your while, like a big jar of good coffee or something. We don't do scanning policies on anything over $50, cigarettes or alcohol.
NOW TAKE THE TICKET!! It will be held onto the shelf with a little plastic clip. Take this also. Be nice to the ticket and don't scrunch it up in your pocket with your used dingers and HIV infected needles. Complete your shopping and exit in an orderly manner.
Come back ofter the special has finished. Try and make it a Monday or Tuesday. Commence shopping, and the last item you grab, make it the special you're scamming. Sneakily put the ticket back up, grab one of the items, and head on down to the checkout.
During the checkouting, observe the prices as they appear on the little screen in front of you. When the coffee pops up at full price, politely interject, and say some shit like "Heeyyyyy, waitaminute bitch, that there motherfuckin coffee should be motherfuckin $4, not $15!! WTF MAN WTF" and she'll go "OK sugar, i'll get someone to check that for you. In the meantime i will treat your johnson like a sugar coated popsicle and give it to my little sister".
So the grocery dude will come back and go "Yep, the ticket said $4, it's a scanning policy", and you get it FOR FUCKIN FREE MAN. If he tries to scam you, be polite, and ask him about scanning policies. If he tries to scam you still, ask for his manager.
REMEMBER - be polite. No-one working at a supermarket wants to help out an arsehole. If you think yelling and getting angry will help you get your way, you are wrongo. It pisses us off and we try to shaft you more.
So, that about sums up part 1. Assuming there will be a part 2, that is.
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I need advice for being stuck in line behind a little old lady who is arguing to return a opened jar of food. It happens to me far too often.
Also, I can't believe that you missed a meat-packing joke.
Hahahaha i love you dooshz
You can also try moving the ticket infront of a very similar item with piles of stock, you can claim ignorance and sometimes they give you the item for the cheaper price or for free..
I mean who really clearly reads the ticket anyway, you just see a special tage and go WOOT cheap stuff. Yeah.
Actually my store completely violates the scanning policy repeatedly. We won't give things free, just at the cheaper price. If only I were the one being refunded, I might protest. But the stupid azns stealing all the discounted items and bbq chickens in quantities beyond human consumption to sell in their $2PLUS shops can pay.... muahahahahha
Also, you won't get discounted items if the azns got there first. Go to whitey town at less popular shops.
Make that rich whitey town. Bogan have discovered the freezer and now freeze all discounted meats.
Beaker? more like "Bigot"...
But thanks for the handy hints Dr Doosh, as a man of, shall we say... modest... means, i shall endeavor to put them to the test forthwith. I'd also like to know how likely it is that you could get away with stealing those ridiculously priced disposable razor blades, by say, putting them in your hand-basket like you are buying them (so all the cameras on this obviously highly pilferable item are f00led and then casually slipping them into your pocket in a less monitored part of the store. I really want to try this, but i wuss out every time, as it's not really something worth a hefty fine or record or butt-raping by a pig stern talking to by a police officer, but damn it'd be nice to stick it to Gillette. I mean, what do they take us for, charging like that?? I probably just need to find a flick-razor. That'd be cool and hard-man-whiskey-drinkin'-esque as a bonus, but then you have to strop it all day long, and that's not nearly as fun as wanking, even thought the process is similar.
well, if you get busted shoplifting, you get off with a warning if the total value is less than $100. Unless it's your second offence, in which case stealing a 40c lolly will get you an addition to your record.
The razor blades have magnetic tags on them, so open the pack up an just steal the blades instead.
How odd that they'd put a value on what you can attempt to steal and not get punished. "Please empty the contents of your bulging trenchcoat onto the POS terminal so we can add it up... oh dear, $102 bucks, if only you hadn't added that extra chocolate bar we would've been morally ambivalent..."
I think you'd attract too much attention to yourself if you tried to open a razor packet surreptitiously... those things don't open very easily and they're fairly shiny. Oh well, if all the conditions are one day conducive your inside intelligence will have prepared me to give it the best crack, heh.
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