Matchmaker, matchmakerThese days. These days, kids have no respect. These days, everyone is more worried about money than their fellow man. These days, love is harder to find. I don't buy into any of that crap, but for the sake of filling a post let's say that love really is getting harder to find. Cupid's job was easier back when a high birth rate was seen as the best way to beat septicaemic plague.
Here are the fruits of my quest to find my one true love.
I was watching The Phantom Menace (a horrid abortion of a movie) when an ad came on for one of those SMS love-match-fortune-zodiac-compatibility things. Unfortunately it turned out to be no more useful than a game of pin-the-adjective-on-the-gullible-idiot.
Input: nick 17 7 83
Output: Your calculated match is Samantha, a woman who is money-oriented, driven but occasionally ruthless. You are very ambitious and goal-oriented. Self-assured, you have the potential for considerable achievement in work and business. Materialism can be an issue. You have a good mind and like to delve into things. At times this interest in a lover can be great although at other times you can tend to over-analyse.
I got a total of five SMSes, which I payed $5 each for the privilege of reading. Only two of them contained that message, the others stated stated legalities. The message loses a lot of its shoddiness in HTML, it was so obviously randomly generated. Double spacing between sentences and poorly placed adverbs, the lack of effort was insulting.
The best part was that there was only one sentence about my future woman, the rest was pandering to my own vanity. I don't even understand the last sentence. Sigh... at least a fortune cookie comes with a cookie. What would ruthless Samantha think of me for blowing $25 on that crap? I hope she's driven to punish me.
Jesus! Animated GIFs, different fonts, different font colours. It's as though the True Love Test was MADE for the Internet. No coherent narrative either, it reads like one of those conspiracy sites where the author just throws years of content onto the one page.
Input: A whole lot of reading.
Output: God.
Well how about that, it turns out that my "true love" was God all along. I hope he's cool with my foot fetish.
It's as useful as it sounds. Give it a shot.
Input: nick laura (my girlfriend's name).
Output: 10%
Dr. Love thinks a relationship might work out between nick and laura, but the chance is very small. A successful relationship is possible, but you both have to work on it. Do not sit back and think that it will all work out fine, because it might not be working out the way you wanted it to. Spend as much time with each other as possible. Again, the chance of this relationship working out is very small, so even when you do work hard on it, it still might not work out.
Oh fuck!
I've tried the rest, now I'll try the best. The Love Test is a battery of quantitative psychological and relationship questions developed by a reputable British university. It also has "BBC" in the URL, so it must be legitimate.
Input: Almost a whole damn hour of me answering the same dozen questions worded in a different way.
Output: A point by point analysis of how much my love life sucks, with a justification of how those negatives can sometimes really be positives.
If there's one person who knows all about love, it's a statistician!
The Love Test didn't predict my one true love, it just gave a commentary on my current relationship. A commentary that I provided myself. Really though, I'd expect more from the sealed section of Cosmopolitan. The questions were more leading than a Crosby/Textor poll, I could have given up halfway through and still accurately predicted the outcome. Garbage in, garbage out.
I'm seeing a pattern forming here.
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Is Dr Dooshy one of those guys from school that everyone knows will never grow up? Is he a real-life Peter Pan???
I didn't find that amusing. It was the lack of respect that really got to me. Respect for $25. The next time you think spending $25 in order to write a silly post about finding out obvious shit is a good idea, send it to me instead and i'll write you a post of all the fuckin cool shit i did with it and how much of a capitalist pig you are. :)
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